Walking In My Purpose

Along this walk I have found that it is messy and there were times that I was stuck … in the mud!

I’ve often times wondered why? Why me God? Why is this the path that You chose for me? Why do I have to carry this heartache and burden? I’m certainly not strong enough to carry this weight, so why on earth are You trusting me with it? I’m slowly learning that He had a divine plan and purpose for every ounce of pain that I walked through. Here’s the catch though, He had to trust that I’d be obedient with it. I have gotten off track more times than I can count, but deep down in the depths of my core, I know that my purpose is to shed light on my pain.

The pain of a broken home, the pain of being sexually abused and molested as a child, the pain of divorce, the pain of infertility, the pain of being a blended family, the pain of walking out an adoption plan. Like many of you, I have had my fair share of pain and heartache, some of which was brought on by my own choices. While God doesn’t sit and inflict pain on his children, there are times that He allows us to walk through it. By doing so, He can use it in a way to bring healing to our lives that ultimately allows us to help others. So that is what I am doing, I am sharing my pain in an effort to bring peace to someone’s chaos. Just know my brothers and sisters, that no matter what you are facing in this moment, you are absolutely NOT alone!

Let’s start with the first pain that I endured in my very early stages of life. For one, my mom was a teenage mother and my birth father was not in the picture after I was born. I was adopted at the age of five by the man that she later married. By the time I was in second grade their marriage was ending in a divorce. This is the point where my young mind had to start learning how to deal with the disappointments in life. For the sake of time, I will not go into much depth about any of the following statements. The sole purpose of this blog entry is to give an overall general picture of my life and how I have come to walk in “my purpose”.

After the divorce, I became a witness to the ugliness of what some are capable of. I lived with a step mom who consistently put my mom down and always talked trash about her. I began to feel as if I was not allowed to love my mom openly for fear of being chastised. I remember my heart hurting so bad for my mom because of the things I heard, but felt like I did not have a voice to say anything in her defense. I suffered silently through years of molestation and sexual abuse. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I finally became angry enough to lash out and tell someone what was happening. That is when my glass house began to shatter all around me.

You see, from the outside, everything was perfect. I was a student who excelled academically in the classroom and poured my heart and soul into the ball field. I was polite, well behaved and obedient, I gave my best effort at every challenge placed before me. No one would ever believe the horrible truths that went on behind closed doors or the hurt, pain and anger that I carried on the inside. However, once the cat was out of the bag and the truth was brought to light my world was absolutely turned upside down.

I had to leave the home I was in, I was moved to another city where I knew no one. I had to start my high school year without the friends and classmates that I had been with since preschool. I had to once again put on a smile and push through as if I wasn’t still fighting an internal battle from within. I wanted to crawl into a hole and just scream and cry and never feel anything again. Every dream I ever had as a child seemed to have shattered right before my eyes.

Fast forward to late teenage years where I was still just as broken, looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places and beds. No longer was I the over achieving student, I had not stepped on a ball field in years, and my soul longed to just be loved by someone, anyone. As a matter of fact, I quit school at the end of my eleventh grade year (I did obtain my high school diploma) and set out on my own path of self destruction. I left home at seventeen, was married eight months after I turned eighteen and began life as a married adult.

Needless to say, there was still a void in my life, there was this dull ache in my heart where something was missing. I had always longed to be a mother and I just knew that would make everything in my world better. Unfortunately for me, all that door opened was years of unexpected turmoil and heartache. The word “infertility” became a part of my every day life and my mind as it consumed my thoughts. Three failed marriages later and years of pain, hurt, self destruction, surgeries, fertility procedures and treatments, failed adoption and a miscarriage I had finally had enough.

I was done with the “just going through the motions” of life. I was miserable in a marriage that was strictly based on the physical aspect of sex. During my entire existence, that seemed to be the sum of what any man in my life wanted. While they pledged their undying love to me, it was always contingent on my meeting their sexual desires and needs. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing at all wrong with a husband and wife enjoying what God created in the form of intimacy. Where I struggled was being able to enjoy it because I was still tormented by my past. I had spent so many years, allowing men to just use me in that way while I was seeking their “love”. What I learned is when things got hard, it wasn’t “me” they loved, it was the physical benefits that came along with marriage. Any time sex was taken out of the equation, there was not a lot of substance left.

In all fairness, it was not entirely their fault. I take responsibility for shouldering my past hurts and pains as if they did not effect me; when in reality it rocked me to my very core. The mind truly is a powerful thing and the same hang ups I struggled with as a kid, I still struggled with as an adult. I still battled self image, self worth, being good enough, being accepted, having confidence in myself and overall just over compensating in some areas where I lacked in other places. I never allowed them in close enough to know just how broken I really was, because I feared if they knew the truth of how broken I was then they would leave. A lot of good that did, huh? Hurt people will always hurt other people and you just can’t have a healthy life long relationship with anyone if you both are not willing to be completely open, honest and transparent.

It was not until after I went through my third divorce that I finally had enough. I was no longer interested in the past continuing to repeat itself. It was during this time that I allowed myself to be completely open, honest, transparent, vulnerable and raw with someone who I had known for years. It was not someone new in my life, but someone who already knew most of my flawed past. I did not have an image to uphold or a good impression to make, I just let myself be me. I allowed the brokenness of my entire soul to be brought to light for the first time in my life. I am not sure why, I just felt safe, I felt like there would be no judgement, just someone to hear my heart. In my hurt of yet another failed marriage I let the ugliness from within come out for the first time to a friend that later became my husband.

For the first time in my life, I felt like someone saw me for me. He saw the good, the bad and the ugly, this time I was not just another means to someone’s sexual pleasure. I was a human being, a broken, flawed, hurting human that had been smiling on the outside yet completely dead on the inside. Can I just say how freeing it was to no longer pretend that I was this strong independent woman. I was finally able to bring it all out to the open and allow the healing process to begin. It has been nine years since that process began, but I have never felt more alive than I do today. I am loved with a pure heart by someone who loves me as Christ loves His church and I can not express strongly enough the importance of your mate loving God first. When we love God first we love others better. I am still a mess on most days, but I am free to fall apart and cry and express my feelings and emotions without judgement or condemnation.

Saying “yes” to this man, however, meant saying yes to a completely different emotional roller coaster. I now had to learn how to navigate the waters of becoming a step mom. Going from years of learning to cope with and navigate an infertility diagnosis, I am now faced with a new challenge in what is called a “childless stepmom”. I read books and devotions, we even joined a Blended Families bible study and I tried my absolute best to get it right. I remembered from my own childhood how hurtful it was to hear my step mom speak so negatively of my mom. Therefore, I knew what kind of step mom I did not want to be.

From the moment my husband let me into his life in the capacity of a significant other, I was always mindful of any conversations dealing with the kids mom. We never spoke negatively of her to them or around them, in fact we did the exact opposite and always encouraged them to be good and mindful of their behavior. Did we have upsets and moments that got a little heated? Absolutely, I am not going to lie and say it was always easy; because it was not and there were times that tempers and emotions got the best of all of us. However, we did make an honest effort and attempt to always be mindful of keeping our adult opinions between us and not in ear shot of little impressionable minds.

So begins my struggle of navigating a blended family while still carrying the hurt of not having my own children. I was still trying to wrap my head around the infertility and the possibility of never having my own children. I had only one Ovary and Fallopian tube, Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Did I mention my husband had a vasectomy after his son was born? So clearly, having children naturally was going to be a literal miracle of God. He brought into our marriage four children from his previous marriage so his heart was full, as far as, having children was concerned. So where does that leave me and my desires of becoming a mother?

But God! It was nothing but God, because God gave him such a beautiful heart for me and my desire to be a mom. He allowed my husband to see my pain and take my burden upon himself to carry along side of me. Together we set off on our own adventure to grow our little family. We looked at several options: vasectomy reversal, frozen embryos, IVF, artificial insemination and adoption. We chose to travel the road of adoption together and spoke to a couple of different agencies. We let our wishes be known to our friends and family. We even met with an expectant birth mom and dad, only to find out later that they chose to keep their baby. We eventually looked at the possibility of becoming a foster home.

As we were being obedient in the natural and doing what was pressed upon our hearts, God was doing a work in the spiritual. We later met a group of people that connected us to someone who would change our lives forever. Today I am the mother of two of the most beautiful souls on the planet. As I look back on the pain, hurt and heart ache, I can see how God has beautifully orchestrated all of that into an amazing masterpiece that I now call my life.

With each of these statements about my life and what I went through I am reminded of how I overcame each one of them. Although, I was never on my own because my Father in heaven always had a plan and a purpose for each of these seasons. He is ever so faithful to His promises to us, even when we are in our own wilderness. God has given me a voice and a platform to speak life into those dead areas of someones life and I plan to keep being obedient and loving on these souls by whatever means necessary.

To the little girl that is full of shame and feels her only self worth is her ability to please others sexually …. You are More!! You are Worthy of every dream and desire that is within you!!

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2 NKJV

To the woman who feels “less than” because she is unable to conceive … You are Enough!! God will bring forth your children in ways that only He can!!

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 NKJV

To my lost brothers and sisters … You are not alone!! It is never too late and you have not gone too far for the love of our Father to make you whole again!!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

Turn off the noise of the world and listen to the still small voice of your Father in Heaven. When you focus on what HE says about you then you will begin to see yourself as He does …. Forgiven, Valuable, Loved, Overcomer, Victorious, Worthy but most of all HIS!!!

May your souls be blessed and your hearts lightened at the reality of how much you are loved. Please show your love by commenting, liking, following and sharing =)

We Are Publishing a Book!

white book in white table near yellow wall
Photo by Stas Knop on Pexels.com

Hi Guys,

I am so excited to be making this announcement. For years I struggled with who I was, I struggled with my past and with my inability to conceive. I never understood why God was taking me through so much pain and heartache. Today, I have a brand new outlook on life and a fresh understanding of what my purpose is. I was created to share the struggles, to show the hope in my situation. I began this blog as a way to do that, to spread hope in a world that is broken and hurting. As of today we are in the beginning stages of my first ever book. The timeline that the publisher has given me is 6-9 month so we are super excited to be introducing that to you guys in the next few months.

This first book is geared more towards children who are adopted. However, I truly feel like the promises of God that are shared in this book will touch any age group. If you are adopted or know someone who is, please be on the look out for “I Am Adopted … But What Does That Mean”. This book is being published through Covenant Books, so you will find it at any major book retailer and it will also be available on e-reader platforms. According to the timeline I have been given, we are looking at a release date of anywhere between September – December of this year, 2020.

In an effort to reach as many people as we can before the release date, I am going to be posting updates along the way. We are currently in the editing stage. If you are adopted, know someone who is adopted, if you have adopted or in the process of adopting, if adoption has touched your life at any point … please join us on this journey as we complete this project. It is my heart’s desire that this little book will help bridge a gap for young minds to understand their adoption journeys. Not only for the children, but for parents who adopt.

As a mother to three adopted children, I know that some day I am going to have to explain to them in greater detail about what adoption “is”. While I am forever grateful for the very open adoptions that we have, I know that some day there will be questions. Questions that I may not be prepared to answer without the help of preparing my heart for it. My babies know that they are adopted, and they know that they did not grow in mommy’s tummy. However, at their age (3,2 &2) they don’t really understand what all of that means.

How do you handle the; Why didn’t my “real” parents want me?, Was I not good enough for them?, Was I not worth more to them?. Questions like this have been tearing up the hearts of adopted parents for decades. So much so that some find it easier to hide the fact that their kids are adopted until they are older. Our family has decided on a much different approach. Our toddlers know they are adopted but I want them to understand the beauty of that and not the sadness. I want them to know how loved they are not just by us, but by the birth family that gave them life. Adoption can be a very beautiful thing when the situation allows. I understand that some are not like this, some are very painful, some are even done out of necessity to protect the life of an innocent child.

My heart and sole purpose for writing this book was to bring positive affirmation to what adoption means. My prayer is that adopted children will read these words over and over again and see themselves as God sees them. Shedding a positive light on adoption may help someone who is struggling with adoption in their own life. I know that my babies are loved by both of their families and I love that for them. I am excited about this journey and I invite you all to take it along with me.

Please like, share, comment, follow and invite others to join us on this journey.

What Do Women Want?!?

11541920_1027298953947841_4218516204155560804_nThe age-old question of what women want? This question has been asked over and over by men all over the world for decades. This particular topic was brought to me by a follower on my Facebook page, so my friend here is my not so easy answer …

There really is no answer to this question because what we should all want is what God wants for us. Unfortunately, we get so caught up in the noise of our life we never stop to consider what our creator wants for us. Scripture tells us that God knew us before he created us in our mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5, paraphrased). It also tells us that He has plans to prosper us and not harm us, to give us a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11, paraphrased). I would take both of these scriptures to mean that God already has our lives planned out for us, after all, He is the author of our lives. However, as carnal minded (not spiritual; merely human; temporal; worldly) people we tend to follow our own rules and do what we want instead of seeking God or His perfect will for us. This is where confusion enters our lives, while we are trying to figure “life” out God patiently waits for us to just turn to Him.

When we study scripture we can find in Genesis 2:18 that God said it was not good for man to be alone so he decided to make a suitable helper for Adam. I looked at several different translations of this scripture (NIV, NLT, NKJV, AMP, ESV, and The Message Bible), and they all used the word “helper”. The word helper is defined as a person who helps someone else. This was God’s original plan for women when he created them, to be helpers to men and not to be ruled over or made to feel inferior. Sadly a world full of sin turns a blind eye to what God’s intentions were when mankind was created.

In the essence of time, let’s just acknowledge how different today’s women are compared to the women in the Bible. Women in the Bible rarely had any say in who they dated or married as most marriages were arranged by the father. In today’s society it’s actually pretty uncommon for a man to ask for the daughter’s hand in marriage any more. Times have certainly changed and with that so has the integrity of marriage and relationships.

Marriage used to be a sacred bond between two people who pledge their lives to each other until death do them part. You didn’t live together until you were married, sex out of wedlock was completely unaccepted. Now marriage is viewed as a piece of paper and really nothing more. The divorce rate in today’s society is alarmingly high because it is so easy and accepted. Being a divorcee I can honestly say, that even I, myself entered into marriage with the mindset of “well if it doesn’t work out, divorce is always an option”. It really is sad that vows literally mean nothing when standing before God and entering into holy matrimony with someone. I am ashamed and even embarrassed that I didn’t take my vows seriously, because I had no remorse for going against the Word of God. The truth is, I didn’t even know what the Word said. Sure, I believed in God, but did I acknowledge Him as the Lord over my life? Absolutely not, because if I had, it wouldn’t have taken me so long to figure out I was completely off base with my sinful nature and ways.

I said all of that to say this … maybe we are asking the wrong question … If you ask 100 women what they want, you will most likely get 100 different answers. There is no one size fits all answer to this question. Should we instead be asking What does God want for my life? Who does God want me to build a life with? Who has God prepared for me?

When we are completely surrendered to God and His will for our lives then He will put the right people in our lives that He created just for us. The biggest thing to look for when considering someone to share your life is: Are you equally yoked? Do you believe the same things? Are you both believers or non believers? If you are believers, then do you both follow the same religion and religious practices?

You have to be looking for more than just a pretty face, because looks will fade. When all you have is looks and sex, then you will have nothing left when the inevitable signs of aging begin to take its toll as the years pass by. For most women having a baby will completely change the perfect body that you were once so proud of. If your love is contingent on a dress or jean size and a pretty face then maybe you should just stay single.

Truth be told, the kind of woman you attract will depend largely on the type of man you are. I know it is cliche to say that the good girl always falls for the bad boy, but is there really any substance there? Also, there’s the “you only want what you can’t have” type, that only looks for challenges but never has any real feelings or attachment to the other person. In both of these examples one could argue that the parties represented are lacking something in their life. That could be happiness, security, love, the feeling of acceptance, self esteem, self worth, it could be any number of things that leaves one feeling empty, unloved and unwanted. Therefore, they seek out the attention that they desire from other people and mistake the relationship for something that it isn’t. Two broken people can not have a healthy and full relationship until they both deal with whatever it is that broke them.

When we allow the baggage from our past to be brought into our current relationship and not fully unpack it and put it away, it will eventually cause problems. Don’t allow what hurt you to keep you from something great that God wants to give you. Focus on what He wants for your life and He will send something great to you. Good relationships don’t just happen … they are work! You will get out of it what you put into it. Put God first and the rest will fall into place.

There are several resources that are great for relationships, maybe check out some books and evaluate who you are first before you try to be something to someone else =)

Here are a few recommendations:

The Five Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman

The Love Dare by Alex and Stephen Kendrick

Maximized Manhood by Edwin Louis Cole

Note: This blog is a place where I will always do my best to glorify God and His Word. As a wife and mother and servant to God, my goal is to base my writing on the Word of God and not solely on just my opinion. My opinions expressed in this entry are just that, my opinions, and not based on anything outside of my own personal beliefs and convictions. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, because we can always agree to disagree with absolutely no hard feelings. My job is to love and encourage in spite of our differences. Regardless of where you are spiritually, know that I love you and I am praying for you. I pass no judgement because I am in no position or place to judge. God has shown me such grace and mercy from my past that I live my life to please Him and only Him. 

Father God, I ask that you take these words that You have given me and let them be received in a loving manner, free of judgment. I pray that Your Word will resonate in the hearts of those who read this post. Soften the hearts of your children so that they can readily accept the love that You so freely give to us. Help us all recognize our worth in Your eyes, You created each and every one of us on purpose with a purpose.

Romans 5:8 New King James Version (NKJV)

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Photo Credit: Lynda Lane ~ Ooh Soo Glamorous Photography